rebel-in-the-making

Been thinking about this for a while: why rebellious ideologies have been stirring up hot within me these past 2 weeks.

At first i thought, “hmm could this be stemming from resentment, since im not performing up to my usual standard this time round?” And this is not entirely implausible. Indeed, when one is sick and tired of something, one would tend to throw in the towel and everything else that is attached to that towel. This ib exams, imo, is probably the worst ive been through these 2 years. And not to exaggerate too much, but maybe its the worst so far in my 12 years as a student in terms of my attitude and mindset towards exams. Why, might you ask? (Since ive been preparing for this exam more than any other and probably have aimed my efforts towards this set of papers.) I would think when one puts in a lot of effort into something, one would expect almost an equivalent in return. This is true for many things, including exams; i was expecting my performance to be my usual, since my efforts had not changed much compared to other exams. What happened was totally contrary to what i had expected. And so, resentment kicks in. Good ole friend (the pure intent of just doing one’s best) i ever had was not in the picture. Expectations have stirred up so much negative emotions and rebellious sentiments about just giving up and boycotting the whole thing altogether. (I think i couldnt boycott exams if it really didnt want to be boycotted anyways. Heh. We shall see in a while…)

However, i think, like many of us, my rebellious ideologies were certainly not formed over night; in fact, they had been residents in my mind for a long while. The possible failings of a performance-based system is that one’s calibre is based on how well one performs (obviously…), usually based on what can be measured. Why is it a failing? I mean, isnt a performance-based system the one thing that can filter the capable from the incapable; a seasoned student from his counterpart that doesnt care about his studies? This is what has been ingrained into us for a long time – call it an asian mindset, call it meritocracy – this system has taken a deep place in the hearts, and minds, of many and it is only in times like this when the striving, for a lack of a better phrase, rears its ugly head. You realise that you start to lose sight of the big picture, you start to lose control of your decisions (just think of how often we say to ourselves, we have to study this and that by today), you start to forget why we study in the first place. Wait, why do we study? I think that’s a very important question we must asks ourselves, albeit at a very inopportune juncture as this. If we study so that we can go on to the next phase in life, if we try to do well so that more doors will be opened for us, if we base our decisions on that uncertainty that is stirring within ourselves, then i’d say that we’ve certainly been taught well. We have been taught well, and are now part of a bigger system: a larger world of performance-based achievements, a realm that seeks to bring out the best (and worst, i dare say) in people.

Don’t get me wrong, im not renouncing such a system. In fact, it’s the only system that ive lived within the boundaries of. This system has taught me much about doing the rights things at the right time, about giving it all for the important things and think twice about the second priorities, about enjoying myself when i excel in what im good at. But the fact that these emotions have stirred up so badly within me these past two weeks is testament that this is indeed worth thinking about. All along i have been just part of this system, almost never challenging it in a big way. Yes, i did take my time to do work sometimes, i did question what this was all about, but i still immersed myself in it; i never, in a sense, thought of boycotting it. And lo, little did i know about myself. In such a crucial juncture as now, i decided to give it up. Such a paradigm shift has left me questioning, “do people really change overnight just because something small has shifted, causing a great cascade of things to change?” Okay, that was out of point, but it’s worth thinking about as well.

To a certain extent, i have decided that i will partake of this system (mainly because i have no choice, i mean im already almost ending my exams), but i will not be actively seeking what this system has to offer. Although i did think that this striving in me was rather negligible, i was awfully wrong in every sense of my judgement. It had taken such a deep root that i didnt even know it was taking control of me. It was shaping my perception of things and the way i conducted myself in every single and minute way possible. I thought that i was just doing whatever i could and giving it all into better hands. But when it came to the crunch, when my performance took a left turn, two left turns in fact, i started questioning my true intentions and attitudes. Never did it surface in such a way before, and to be honest, it probably would never have surfaced if things didnt go this way.

I think, first and foremost, this is more serious now cos technically its the final lap. And many of us are clear about that; we try to give it our best shot cos thats all we’ve got now. However, after these 2 weeks, my perception of this has really been refocused again. Is it really the end? Many could launch into tirades about how this will determine their future in a big way, and i dont deny that. Indeed, this will open, and probably close many doors according to one’s performance. But im not gonna talk about that; its so emotionally charged and full of uncertainty that one cant really debate about it with much clarity. Im now considering whether this is the break we really need. Do we really need that many doors to be open? Do we really need to fulfil our dreams and expectations? What will we take away from this, except what is intangible, into the next phase of life? As much as i find this phrase annoying, i have to admit, “life goes on”, and indeed it is so: even though this exams determine which path we will take into the future, it is definitely not a matter of life and death.

When we look back at this point, will we regret and say, “if only i hadnt been that indifferent about my responsibilities as a student”, will we laugh at our short-sightedness that decreed that we were going to give our 110%? This can always go both ways (as this is always dependent on our perception of things, affected by our external situation) and by the looks of it, i have a higher chance of regretting why im so indifferent about things now. But then again, will i not accept the way things turn out (after all, i did not see my situation coming)? Will i not be glad that at such an important point, i had learnt what it really means to let go? Will i not find peace in the fact that i’d probably have never been a better student in my life before, being so clear about things in the midst of “problematic” situations, irrespective of results?

I am starting to sound like a certain fictional character, which i shall not name. I can write my own bildungsroman anyways. Heh. Just a gigantic banquet for thoughts. Cheers!

the truth of the matter

Many ppl think im handling things fine and with my calibre and hard work, its not hard to get a reasonably good score. They are all wrong.

I am entirely needy and lacking in the face such great pressures. I admit it; at other times, i do try to pretend everything’s okay. Most of the time things are okay, cos i dont feel helpless until im on my own and my mind starts to play games with me. However, it the entirety of it, i am very much helpless at this point in time.

My friend who is already out of school told me that i was surrounded by such immense pressures that i cant see clearly. It was a hard thing to swallow, cos i thought i was actually clear-headed about giving my best for God and even taking time off to spend with God daily. But then, i have to admit that i have totally missed the point if, at this crucial juncture, i throw it all away and give it all for my studies.

Pardon me, i dont have any intention to demean those that are putting in the extra effort at this last minute. It is indeed important to seal things off nicely and get it done well. Each of us has a different perspective and this results in a different choice. I realised just yesterday that although i do have an inclination towards exams, i always had this something in me that sought for the true motivation of doing things. It is true that i am somewhat disciplined and have some capabilities to do well in exams. But in comparison, the stirring in me for the true meaning of exams seems to trump that.

At this crucial (and i say crucial, cos i still have loads i did want to complete and it was these last few moments where i would go through those things for the last time.) moment, where i should be gearing to go with confidence and aptitude, i say to myself and to those who think otherwise: i am utterly broken and gone. I do not mean to beat myself up like this, but i think have already run myself to the ground because of the sheer desire to excel. At this last moment, where i would have liked to be like many others, crystallising their efforts for the past two years, i am brought to a

- halt.

That’s what im feeling now anyway. The brakes have been applied to my motivation to study. What has been put in place is another motivation: one that just wants to take this as a learning opportunity, just like it has always been at many points in the past. Not that if i study i cannot learn from this, but in a way, my focus has shifted. When i say learning, it means that this is just another milestone, this is just another portion of life, this is not the make-or-break that i had recently made it out to be.

The last time i prepared for something seriously was my ioc. Okay granted that i was rather serious about my prelims, but that was more because i was gearing up for the finals. At that time, i was really focused in the way i would have liked to be now. I didnt feel anything wrong then, but strangely, i do now. And something’s gotta change; that something’s gotta be me.

And whilst im harping about how i am needy and lacking in motivation to study, God has provided and filled that lack in me. It is one thing to acknowledge that without God, one is nothing. But it is another to actually feel it to a certain extent, the case for me right now. He’s the only one i look to and walk with to bring me through this time.

And even as i feel that God has removed that sheer motivation to mug-it-out at this last moment, there is another thing that he would have wanted me to change: my expectations for results. It does not seem congruent that God would make me feel like this at this last moment just to make me realign my efforts to him as i strive my way to good grades. In a way, i think its a down-right, for a lack of a better word, queer. As i feel that my true potential will be realised only if i look to him at this time, it is also imperative that i realign my expectations of my results. I do expect to do well. But having decided to put the breaks on an all-out-push, i would only feel nothing but regret if my results are below expectations. This of course, i feel, is not what God wants me to be; he certainly doesnt want me to live in the shadow of my regret. Conversely, if i realign my expectations of my results and my future towards his sovereignty, i will be able to live in my full potential. That full potential is 45 points in Christ; not that i will be getting 45 points, but more importantly, i have matched up a reliance on God to the full expectation of his will, rather than my own.

Although, i know this is not really thought-provoking… i hope that this matter may help us sieve out our inner intentions. Sometimes things are going awry but we think its okay. And i would guess that many who are taking exams will not want to think of it now; i was greatly opposed to it too. For those of you who do find it important to be always clear about motivations, this might be similar to what you’re going through. I think ive probably talked too much.

Cheers.

all in Anticipation

I think its only normal to start getting nervous just 2 weeks before the exams? As an overthinker, exponential emotions soon rolled through, into the doors of my mind. In a few hours, reality hit and due to too much math (probability=0.8), it all seemed like it was going to be disastrous.

I realised that when i was starting to get nervous, i was looking to what i thought would be the best plan. In other words, if that best plan could not be carried out, i would have to admit that i have not done my best and probably live in regret for a while. For me, what matters more is not the results, but to know that i have given my best in whatever circumstances i was in. There’s the catch; in my anticipation and anxiety, i lost sight of, imo, the key phrase: in whatever circumstances i was in. This meant that whatever happens happens, and whenever i have the chance to study, i would make the best of it. This implicates that studying was a choice. (For more explanation of choice, please refer to Economics – A Study Companion, Chapter 1… =P )

This choice was overriden by a rush of emotions and i wonder: what is more beneficial, being nervous and chionging, or exercising the thinking choice? Well…both achieve a similar effect in terms of academics; i still study, maybe even harder if i just let myself be ruled by anxiety… And therein lies the thin line between emotional turmoil and rest. For me, i think that there’s more value in knowing why youre doing what youre doing. When one makes that choice, one has reaffirmed that one is probably clear about one’s motivations. I guess it could just be a matter of having that feeling of security? Hmmm.

Sometimes i dunno if its good to think so much. If i didnt, i would probably have just burst from the anxiety. But of course, overthinking is a double-edged toothpick.

Cheers.

One Life To Love

One Life To Love

Verse 1:
He never thought he cared so much about the minute hand
Until he started praying for, a second chance
If he could only do it all again
He’d trade the long nights that he spent behind his desk
For all he missed

He tells his wife “I wish that this moment in this room
was not me dying, but just spending a little time with you.”

Chorus:
You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don’t wanna miss
One day when it’s all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life… To love….

Verse 2:
She never thought she cared so much about those little hands
That held on tight the day she left
Til she was scared to death
Sitting all alone on a hotel bed, the end of the road
The sun had set on her big plans
To feel young again

She picks up the phone, dials the number, hears that little voice
That’s haunted every single mile, since she made that choice

One ride, one try, one life…to love.

- – - – - – -

Cheers!

so long farewell auf wiedersehen good bye

First 4 years

Next 2 years

Couldnt leave school today without spending a while thinking back. Though i’ll be going to school to study 2mr, i felt that i needed some time for a short closure.

Reliving my days by location around the school as i viewed the school from a high spot in the boarding school, i realised that each venue had a significant picture/scene attached to it. The two photos attached are just pictures that i took of the empty place. =(

Strangely, as much as i hate farewells (cant bring myself to face the emotions), and even as i was brought to face it today, reality still didnt hit me while i browsed through the photo/video gallery of my mind’s eye.

All in good time i guess… cant imagine the day i say im no longer part of the school (with all its implications of the ties forged and activities participated within). =(

counting down

2mr is the 22nd day before the commencement of the final papers. And that was the first time i counted to make sure; the other times i just shrugged it off and just noting that there was little time left and not know exactly how little was that little.

Im sure many students just weeks before the final one would be feeling something like this:

1. Time is running out! There is so much to be done or, at least, so much i feel that i have to do to feel secure. And sometimes, this target that marks our “security” region is set waaayyy beyond our ability or the ability of any normal human being. I guess it is normal that many would fear that what they are doing is not enough, and fearing the possible consequences of having fallen short of that “enough”. The usual response would be panic and work oneself overtime. But let’s face it… when would it ever be enough? People talk about giving their 110%. I beg to differ to a certain extent. That 10% is not measured in terms of effort, but in terms of mindset. If you have already given your best, worrying about that 10% is tantamount to scaling Everest upside down; it’s a man-made attempt to make oneself sleep better at night (if you ever sleep at all trying to achieve that anyways.) Im not going into a debate about what constitutes giving one’s best, that’s up to the individual to decide. But i would like to leave one thought: would your results be significantly (and i really mean significantly) different if you’d spend that few hours that you thought wasnt your best burying yourself in those books?

2. When the panic sets in, one will tend to start counting even down to half and hour of one’s time to ensure that one is using one’s time wisely. And this is a self-perpetuating cycle whereby if one is panicking cos one thinks one cant finish whatever one has planned, one will tend to panic even more and throw oneself to the monsters of time management and self-castigation. Well, probably just me.

3. Something that has crossed my mind recently. How am i preparing differently from the past exams? It seems like im going through the same stuff the same way. Shouldnt i be doing it some other way that shows i already know my stuff? And i caught myself at it… Honestly, when addressing that train of thought of mine, i realised that again it boiled down to fearing that what i was doing was not enough. It then propelled itself to the fear that since im revising the same things and probably not improving, my grades will be the same. And of course, that fear is entirely misplaced, as what more could i have done? And especially in these remaining weeks, when time is of the essence, i did wonder if i should spend more time on certain subjects or risk not doing other subjects as thoroughly as i have already done most of it them.

All the anxiety in the air sometimes clouds our better judgement. I think even if you feel time doesnt permit, take a few minutes to think about where you stand now. Always keep in mind that as you practise or study, know what youre doing and dont panic. It will be alright.

Did i say that clearly enough?

It will be alright.

Cheers.

useful quote for once.

“But be warned, you who thirst for knowledge, be warned about the thicket of opinions and the fight over words. Whether beautiful or ugly, wise or foolish, opinions are unimportant, anyone can follow them or reject them.”

There are always two sides to one argument. And most of the time, when it requires value judgements, both are equally acceptable when placed in different circumstances. Indeed, opinions are unimportant. Words are only words… especially when our perceptions and understandings of words tend to diverge. Only truth can really show the way.

and so it begins,

the end of ib and the road to the next phase.

I’m not sure if im ready for it: not mentally, not emotionally, not yet. Currently, i guess we’re all still in the let’s-just-get-the-exams-out-of-the-way-so-we-can-really-worry-about-the-future mode. Or are some of us in the let’s-just-give-our-250%-cos-once-we-do-well-we-dont-have-to-worry-about-the-future mode? Mind’s in too much of a comatose to think clearly now.

In this time, we will win some, and lose some. What are you winning? Are you losing something that costs you more than what you think you are winning?

we’ve all got an ellen in each of us

No, it’s not being confused about your identity. it’s about judging. Since she’s the new american idol judge… i thought this would be a perfectly crystallised thought for this whole post. heh.

This idea of judging, i feel, has been and is bugging me much; ive gotta think this through…

Disclaimer: i am not ranting about anyone; just clearing my mind. (If im ranting about anyone then im judging them anyways…)

First and foremost, im sure that there were times when we judged people when we didnt mean to, but the mindset stuck anyway. Somehow things dont turn out the way you want them to due to these undercurrents. You try your best to rid yourself of it, but somehow people’s actions keep reminding you of that trait you initially saw in them. This trait would have made you think worse of them (well, that’s usually the case of critical judgements; we’re all too quick to categorise people).

Take for example, one person tells you that we must follow a certain way of doing things. But you think otherwise. And so, being helpless (or kind, as many of us like to think we are) as you are, you give in. Yet, in the deep recesses of your mind, you hold this situation in your thoughts – this person is bossy and is so narrow-minded. In turn, this situation holds your thoughts captive. On the surface, things are fine and dandy, but you have been primed to see that person from that perspective every time a similar situation surfaces. The effects are two-fold.

Danger #1: you have trapped yourself in a negative mindset that would harm your image of that person and could potentially harm not only that person, but also others around, who get implicated because of this. This may not be severe, well… cos it happens all the time. But, if we do let this become part and parcel of us, we will tend to become more critical in the way we view things and people next time. Would it be good if we were always negative, failing to see the good in others?

Danger #2: you have set yourself onto a route of ego boosting. When one puts someone down, one has a tendency to raise oneself up at the same time. Taking the previous example, when one thinks that a certain someone is bossy and narrow-minded, one has lifted oneself above that level. This partially insinuates that one has not stooped to that level and is certainly more open-minded and giving. I would like to challenge that thinking and attitude. We certainly can’t be open-minded and judge someone at the same time! Judging someone entails focusing your perspective of a person on a certain trait. Most of the time, when we judge, we tend to lost sight of other things that would counter our critical, possibly erroneous, perspective.

Of course, you can always say that, “well, what if we didnt judge that the person to be narrow-minded? then it won’t be as ironic as it is erroneous?” That brings me back to my main point: we have set ourselves on a route of ego boosting. Being narrow-minded is, i would say, one of the characteristics of one who judges (although narrow-minded is probably too harsh a word to use here). But beyond that, when we say someone is selfish, we’re saying that we’re more selfless that they are; when we say someone is lazy, we’re saying that we’re more conscientious; when we say someone is deluded and has gotten it all wrong, we’re saying that we’ve got the clear view and our stances are right. Having said all these… are we really? We do not have to say it out for others to hear per se; even if just goes on inside our head, these thoughts seek to exalt oneself above others.

And i think this has helped me to better understand why we should not judge others, or even judge ourselves. (For when we judge others, we are, more often than not, comparing them to ourselves and our standards of doing things.)

Am i thinking too much? You can judge me on that. =P

John 3:19-21

¹⁹This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. ²⁰Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. ²¹But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”

Lost my bible. =((( Feeling a huge sense of loss (im not kidding).