Many ppl think im handling things fine and with my calibre and hard work, its not hard to get a reasonably good score. They are all wrong.
I am entirely needy and lacking in the face such great pressures. I admit it; at other times, i do try to pretend everything’s okay. Most of the time things are okay, cos i dont feel helpless until im on my own and my mind starts to play games with me. However, it the entirety of it, i am very much helpless at this point in time.
My friend who is already out of school told me that i was surrounded by such immense pressures that i cant see clearly. It was a hard thing to swallow, cos i thought i was actually clear-headed about giving my best for God and even taking time off to spend with God daily. But then, i have to admit that i have totally missed the point if, at this crucial juncture, i throw it all away and give it all for my studies.
Pardon me, i dont have any intention to demean those that are putting in the extra effort at this last minute. It is indeed important to seal things off nicely and get it done well. Each of us has a different perspective and this results in a different choice. I realised just yesterday that although i do have an inclination towards exams, i always had this something in me that sought for the true motivation of doing things. It is true that i am somewhat disciplined and have some capabilities to do well in exams. But in comparison, the stirring in me for the true meaning of exams seems to trump that.
At this crucial (and i say crucial, cos i still have loads i did want to complete and it was these last few moments where i would go through those things for the last time.) moment, where i should be gearing to go with confidence and aptitude, i say to myself and to those who think otherwise: i am utterly broken and gone. I do not mean to beat myself up like this, but i think have already run myself to the ground because of the sheer desire to excel. At this last moment, where i would have liked to be like many others, crystallising their efforts for the past two years, i am brought to a
- halt.
That’s what im feeling now anyway. The brakes have been applied to my motivation to study. What has been put in place is another motivation: one that just wants to take this as a learning opportunity, just like it has always been at many points in the past. Not that if i study i cannot learn from this, but in a way, my focus has shifted. When i say learning, it means that this is just another milestone, this is just another portion of life, this is not the make-or-break that i had recently made it out to be.
The last time i prepared for something seriously was my ioc. Okay granted that i was rather serious about my prelims, but that was more because i was gearing up for the finals. At that time, i was really focused in the way i would have liked to be now. I didnt feel anything wrong then, but strangely, i do now. And something’s gotta change; that something’s gotta be me.
And whilst im harping about how i am needy and lacking in motivation to study, God has provided and filled that lack in me. It is one thing to acknowledge that without God, one is nothing. But it is another to actually feel it to a certain extent, the case for me right now. He’s the only one i look to and walk with to bring me through this time.
And even as i feel that God has removed that sheer motivation to mug-it-out at this last moment, there is another thing that he would have wanted me to change: my expectations for results. It does not seem congruent that God would make me feel like this at this last moment just to make me realign my efforts to him as i strive my way to good grades. In a way, i think its a down-right, for a lack of a better word, queer. As i feel that my true potential will be realised only if i look to him at this time, it is also imperative that i realign my expectations of my results. I do expect to do well. But having decided to put the breaks on an all-out-push, i would only feel nothing but regret if my results are below expectations. This of course, i feel, is not what God wants me to be; he certainly doesnt want me to live in the shadow of my regret. Conversely, if i realign my expectations of my results and my future towards his sovereignty, i will be able to live in my full potential. That full potential is 45 points in Christ; not that i will be getting 45 points, but more importantly, i have matched up a reliance on God to the full expectation of his will, rather than my own.
Although, i know this is not really thought-provoking… i hope that this matter may help us sieve out our inner intentions. Sometimes things are going awry but we think its okay. And i would guess that many who are taking exams will not want to think of it now; i was greatly opposed to it too. For those of you who do find it important to be always clear about motivations, this might be similar to what you’re going through. I think ive probably talked too much.
Cheers.
