Here’s the issue which i think is most significant and worth special mention: everything in life stems from the simple, untainted love relationship with God. Everytime i’m met with this issue, i get a radical shift in mindset/attitude/perspective about the things around. And so, i’m met with this again. This issue originated from a thought that came from reading Miracles by C.S. Lewis.

The question came as such, “Why would God trouble to think his perfectly rational thoughts through us, who are not only prone to misinterpreting them, but also are easily tend to drift from any revelation soon after?” It is true. One has to admit that we go over some lessons again and again. Lessons about grace, about humility, about worship, about leading, about serving, about relating to others, about holy living… the list is not exhaustive. The fact is quite clear: as humans, we tend to fail at fixing our eyes on the Truth. And we tend to fail at fixing our eyes on just that simple, untainted relationship with God; we bring too many of our weaknesses and bad decisions into the picture.

The next question in line is “Does that mean we are failures as humans? Shouldn’t we gravitate towards that simple relationship with God after we have accepted Christ into our lives?” One verse that comes to mind is 2 Corinthians 5:17 >>> Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! <<< If we have really been redeemed, why do we keep wandering and not travel along the highway towards Christ? Why is the intrinsic change not permanent? I would like to challenge this mindset. It is easy to mistake an external failing for an innate misalignment; it is easy to look upon ourselves and failures and forever live in the shadow of the old person, despite having received a new nature. It is a lie that the evil one can trap us with, changing a conviction to a condemnation; we always forget to keep our relationship with God simple as humans, but by no means should we dwell on this mistake.

However, although we have received the revelation that we must keep our relationship with God simple, we must also make the effort to run towards Christ. It is a two-way growth process. Many of us mistake that upon receiving salvation, the story ends there. It doesn’t. Growth is something we will be undergoing this whole life; some lessons may have to be revisited not because we have (, using a not-so-appropriate term for studying,) failed the module previously, but because we can’t possibly keep our minds on every single aspect of our lives at any one point in time (except through living and walking with Christ). It was once said that sometimes walking with God will make us remove all the unimportant things in our lives; we live more simply. And personally, i think that the above saying is very closely linked to the growth process that we undergo in life. As we learn to walk with God day by day, we grow into that simple relationship with God and from there our lives will becomes less complicated and cluttered.

Nevertheless, i believe we should not confuse a call to live a simple relationship with God with pursuing a simple lifestyle. Let me explain. The sole purpose we were made for is to have a simple, untainted love relationship with God. However, let us not, in our zeal, distort that purpose into a life goal where we seek to remove things from our lives in a bid to live simply. Of course, it is much easier to, for example, not watch tv (because we feel that since we have fulfilment in Christ, there is no need for such entertainment), than to really pursue a relationship with Christ. The former is an act that, without the right focus, becomes an act that glorfies so-called not living in the world; the latter fixates our lifestyle on our life’s purpose alone.

Definitely, many of us would find more comfort and security in the former way of living (ie, living through certain acts that slowly lose their true meaning over time). It is certainly easier to do so and it eliminates the feeling of uncertainty of having to look for/search for God day by day in every thing that we do. Personally, i do feel uncertainty when merely seeking God day after day instead of having broad directions in life or dictating certain actions. Cos sometimes i wonder what direction i should take in certain things, and he is silent. That is the uncertainty i’m willing to face and i hope that i will continue to focus on God and be grounded in the word. I believe that a simple relationship with God, with all the uncertainty and challenges, is worth it. And from there, within that relationship, one will find the answers in life, the ways to live, the changes that one hopes to make, and the strength and faith in all circumstances.

Well, with all that’s been said. Back to the first question that sparked all these thoughts in me, “Why would God trouble to think his perfectly rational thoughts through us, who are not only prone to misinterpreting them, but also are easily tend to drift from any revelation soon after?” Hmmm. So many more questions left unanswered…

God bless!

One other thing that came to my mind was the idea of acting in faith and waiting in faith. Many a time, we wonder what should we do if we want to do things God’s way. Here are some questions that were distilled from my experience in ministry. Do i seek to do something for God, like come up with an encouragement email, or do i wait and see what he is doing, so that i can join him and move in his power? Do i plan to reach out to the people around me in love, or do i wait for opportunities in conversations to talk about God’s love? Do i choose to lead worship without having heard from God to do so?

The first perspective supports the idea that one is proactive in doing God’s work. One would act on what one feels needs to be done. Often, we tend to focus on the act of doing and not on partnering with Christ in what we do for him, failing to acknowledging that it is through him that we accomplish anything. The second perspective puts one’s relationship with God and hearing from God first. One would react to things brought up in conversations, one would react to any need that one comes across. One would tend to focus on God and what he wants, from there, when one receives a (clear?) call, one would then obey and act accordingly, usually not doing much in the meantime.

Just to add a simple example to crystallise the two arguments. This concerns major life decisions, namely scholarships. One could just “follow one’s heart” and choose after making an informed decision. One can be praying simultaneously for wisdom to make the right decision. This can be said to be activity, as one believes that as one has asked for wisdom to act, one would be acting in the right way. Conversely, one can keep praying for a direction on where one should be heading. In the meantime, one would be waiting patiently or not doing anything specific that defines that a decision has been made (ie, applying for many scholarships just to play safe). This can be said to be passivity, as one waits to hear from God what the right choice should be (should one apply for scholarship or trust in God’s provision through other means?). All that has been said, i think that we should be clear that getting a scholarship does not mean that one does not trust in God’s provision, as a scholarship might just be the way God is intending to provide. Also, i think that we should be clear that praying for success does not mean that we just want to have things our way. (This is highly debatable, as one’s heart condition while engaging in these activities is the crucial factor.)

So which is right? To clarify the first perspective of activity, if we are in Christ, God initiates things in us. He was first to seek us and knows all that we are going to do. To clarify the second perspective of passivity, if we are in Christ, waiting may not be wasting time or inactivity. Ultimately, his ways are higher than our ways. In this world of opposites, i personally feel that there is no right or wrong thing to do (dont misunderstand me on this…read on). But that does not mean that one can never go wrong; there isnt a wrong choice in terms of what to do, but rather, a wrong path is chosen because of a poor attitude. When one goes to the extremes of activity or passivity and focuses on how one should be acting, one has missed the point that one created for simple relationship with Christ. Personally, i feel that if we want to do things God’s way, it would be best to focus on God. Our everyday lives are made up of countless decisions anyways. This may easily lean toward the side of passivity, but i believe that when we know God and walk closely with him, it matters not what we do or do not.

Hmmm.

One thing that i’ve been dealing alot with recently is this term “affectionate reverence”. It mainly concerns how i relate to God and how i approach him. The term affectionate reverence is extremely interesting, as it reminds us of what i consider a possible dichotomy in our relationship with God.

First and foremost, let me establish that following paragraphs are purely based on my experience and my own thought process. I do not claim that this dichotomy actually exists in reality or that we should all perceive it this way. I hope that all of us will be able to come before God with simplicity and intimacy. With this disclaimer, i shall proceed with my musings.

My mind works in concepts. As such, when i perceive God to be of a certain attribute, i tend to approach him in a way that best relates to that attribute. Herein lies the dichotomy: God is everything (in a good way of course); he is Lord and Father, Creator and Friend. So how does one relate to a Lord, who also happens to be a Father? Or a Creator, who also happens to be a Friend?

If God is just our Lord: The first thing i would do is to give all that i have to him. After all, if he is Lord, he deserves every bit of what i have and every ounce of me. It would be easy to have a master-servant relationship. The things that i do and the way i orientate my life would be around serving him with all my heart and my soul and might and strength. I would seek nothing else but to satisfy the will of my Lord, as he deserves my all. In other words, i will not question his authority or be in a position to debate with him. He may love me dearly, but there seems to be a slight (perceived) limit to the level of intimacy one can be with the Lord Almighty.

If God is just our Father: The first thing i would do is to hug this Father. I would want to be loved by him and love him in return. What i do for him is based on the fact that i wish to please this Father. The idea of obedience would be slightly different from what was previously mentioned, though the elements of respect and trust remain. I would want to spend more time with him and talk with him and know him more. He will protect me as a father would a son. I would seek not mainly to satisfy his will, but to just be in a relationship with him; what i do is a result from this relationship with him. It matters that i live my identity as a child of God, things will then fall into place as i learn and grow.

The dichotomy that im faced with is that both are equally true at the same time. God is our Father and Lord and Friend and Creator, all at one go! Wow. The thought of that just goes beyond my imagination. How’s that possible? And how do we handle this? In each situation, we can choose to relate to God as being any of his attributes. Each way is correct, as after all, he contains all those attributes simultaneously. Personally, i feel that the tricky part comes when we dont recognise this fact and subsequently relate to God in terms of only one part of his character.

On one hand, if we try to relate to God as Lord all the time, we may somehow distance ourselves from him. Without having a close relationship with God, it is hard to serve God and carry out his will. As such, if we dont know who God is and seek to do something for God, we only bring ourselves to an empty religion,which will leave us dry and disillusioned.

On the other hand, if we try to relate to God as a Father/Friend all the time, sometimes we may lose the crucial element of reverence. Without acknowledging that God is bigger than we are and possessing all the awesome God stuff, it is easy to make decisions that puts God second place in our lives. If God is just a Father/Friend, we may tend to treat him as a person whom we can ignore if we forget or dont feel like talking to when not in the mood. Of course, once again, this is because one does not have a close relationship with God. As such, it is easier for us to turn away from him than turn to him; i believe that if we have an intimate relationship with God, it would be hard not to involve God in our lives or turn to him in every small thing.

Having said all that, i shall return to the term: “affectionate reverence”. “Affectionate” refers to how we are children before God, dearly loved and dearly favoured by God. “Reverence” refers to how God deserves our awe and our obedience. It is in this simple term where one can be reminded that God is everything. It matters not how one approaches God, but simply the fact that he is approachable.

Whew. I think i’ve talked too much. Remind me again that it’s best to keep our relationship with God simple. Too much cleverness… too much cleverness just complicates matters.

Hmmm.

You see, i was standing where one eye was in close proximity with the wall of the connector, while the other saw a more significant depth of space before another wall further back. So it’s sort of those times when you see two images, because one image is too close for the other eye to see, or see from a particular angle. Anyways, so this was the thought: which eye do i trust? The left or the right? Or do i trust both eyes enough to make a clear judgement of what im seeing. If you know me, you’d know my mind doesnt stop there. Heh. The question brought more possibilities and perspectives for thought.

In the context of relationships with others. This could mean when getting to know a person, or knowing a person, does one rely solely on the account of one person, or does one take in the views of more people? Take for example, i hear about someone from a close friend and hear something slightly different from another person whom im not close to. There are many ways to react to such a situation. Firstly, do i just take the word of my close friend, based on the fact that there is an existing rapport of trust. In other words, do i totally shrug off the view of the other person whom im not close to? Which eye do i trust more? Which perspective is more reliable or less biased for that matter?

Secondly, to take things to another level, why not consider: to what extent can we really believe the accounts of people (since after all, all humans are prone to error in their perception and judgement and are inevitably biased)? That could also be valid; in other words, one would rather believe one’s own eyes. Which brings me to my next point, though in a milder voice.

Thirdly, one can also say, it is purely subjective and it all boils down to one’s direct interaction with that person. This may lead to the rejection of anything that seeks to be the absolute truth about anyone, but rather just accepting and relating to the person in response to that person’s actions towards oneself. After all, isnt each relationship that is established between two people unique; one may relate in one way to person A, but differently to person B, though person B may be similar to person A? That being said, would one take everything into consideration, after trusting both eyes (the accounts of both people) so to speak, and come up with a perspective that seeks to put it all into place. Take my situation on the mrt for example, i trust in both eyes enough to believe that they are both simultaneously true in their perception (though they may both be flawed at the same time, since im myopic and need specs…haha, but nonetheless, believeable). As a result, from my experience with both eyes (knowing how they work), i come up with my own judgement of the situation to come to the conclusion: one eye is too close to the wall of the connector, hence the other eye cannot see clearly from that angle, resulting in a divergence in accounts. In the same way, one can take into consideration the accounts of both people and from one’s experience with everyone involved, come up with a perspective that seeks to reconcile the divergence in accounts, and try to put it all into place.

In the context of relationship with God. This could be more tricky. Do we believe the testimony of one person, or the collective account of a group of people who come from different backgrounds? Can we really believe our own perception; can our human eyes be trusted with anything pertaining to the things unseen? God is unseen, so what can be considered to be evidence of his presence or works? Like the previous context, one can choose to believe the accounts of people. One can hear from friends the truth about who God is. One can also choose to reject any account as absolute truth about God and rely on one’s own perception of things and about who God is. (Sounds abit like siddhartha: to reject all doctrines and teachers, to reach one’s goal alone, or die. OWTTE. Though it may not be totally anti-establishment, but rather, with the knowledge that humans are inherently biased in their accounts. So, it concurs that everyone may speak some truth, but not truth in its fullest or most absolute.) Or one can also choose to react in the third way: take everything into account and try to come up with some sort of a reconcilation of the divergence. Personally, i dont think there’s a right way per se. One can believe in sermons, one can believe in testimonies, one can believe what one perceives/understands of the Bible, one can listen to everything and come up with one’s own belief, one can choose to relate to God directly and understand that each person relates differently to God and vice versa.

Just to bring more things to light and throw more things to confusion.

Hmmm.

Been around many people and new experiences these past month. Each situation is a new lesson about myself, about people, about the world around me. Just when i thought i knew myself as a student and person, life challenges that thought and God starts peeling layers off me.

What is most significant is the layer of judgement. We always hear about people being judgemental; we also subconsciously judge people based on their appearances, their words, their actions, their inactions, their intentions as perceived through our highly disjointed perspectives. But im not here to talk about how we should not judge people. It’s like saying, “don’t breathe”; we can try, but we cant monitor our thoughts and filter our perception of people without getting into severe frustration. (Not on our own anyways.) I’m here to project some of my thoughts which i hope would add more flavour to the word “judgement”, which is all too weighted and laden with seriousness and negative stuff (here i am judging the word, if i were to use “judging” loosely. Hah.)

As humans, we see things from our own self-centred perspective. Well, mostly. And even when we try to put ourselves in others’ shoes, we comprehend and evaluate according to our own experiences, emotional responses and logical deductions. What’s worse, we sometimes even try to imagine how others view us. That’s how we complicate matters eh? Even as i write this now, what i type is also partially affected by how i think you would read this, how you would respond to my words, how you would perceive me. Do i really care? In a sense, yes. I hate being misunderstood, but it is inevitable; i cannot control what each and every one of you thinks of me, nor is it any good for me to put in too much effort of portraying a side of me that appeals to the masses.

That is basically what judgement is about (and i mean “basically” like “foundationally” and “essentially”, rather than “simplistically saying”). It isnt always about labelling people as arrogant or impatient. Nor is it always about someone in power pronouncing a fate of another “lower” being. It’s about taking a situation or a person and squeezing it into our narrow perception of life, of things, of people, of everything. Sometimes, we think we know what we are thinking; we can get so caught up in our own justification that we forget our basis of justification is just as flawed as anyone else’s. That’s the problem most of the time; because we do this, it can result in us coming to the conclusion that so-and-so is arrogant or impatient; because we go by our own value systems, if i may put it this way, we can occasionally feel the need to pronounce our thoughts about people and situations (which are actually merely our own thoughts), as final or 100% certain.

And i think im putting my thoughts across very poorly; it may seem like im being exceedingly critical about how we judge people and things. But that’s not my main point. My main point is: thinking about what others think of us. I tend to do this alot. Hence, i tend to overcomplicate matters and situations with other people. And recently when i figured about the new perspective of how we squeeze a situation into our narrow perception of things, it made sense that i was doing the same when i thought about what others think of me and how they would view a particular situation. It seemed incongruent and much more absurd that im using my perspectives to judge myself based on what i perceive others would of me. It is highly futile and again i say, absurd, that i always do it.

So why do i, and im sure many other people, keep thinking about my so-called image and portrayal? Cos we fear that we are unaccepted, out of place, inappropriate. To say the least, we dont feel wanted and fear being lonely/outcasted. I may have simplified the thought process too quickly, but many times i realised it is the case (for me that is…). What will happen if i say what i really feel? What wil happen if i do as i please? What will happen if i dont do this? Will he see me differently? Will she think im that sort of person? All these i gather now, are quite pointless. To a certain extent, we can affect the situation and others’ perception of us. Quite a large one i would say. But in the end, trying too hard is counter-productive. In the end, we dont really have the control whether we will be accepted or loved or respected or hated. I guess that is probably what the Bible says about not judging ourselves. We judge ourselves by what we think others will think about us and perceive us to be. There’s basis in that statement, as much as it perplexed me at first. (there’s also another perspective about how we should not judge ourselves to be good or bad, etc.)

All that’s been said can be summed up in a question that i have distilled from a few people: Is the image you worry about when you think about others’ perception of you the image of the real you, or merely what you hope others will see you as?

This question has implications about our identity and our expectations of ourselves and others.

Hmmm.

It struck me (only now) that as i walked along the corridors and the bridge that i am no longer officially part of the school. And as i strolled around, i started to see things, for the first time, as an outsider, an ex-student. Well, you can say that the ACSian spirit is a part of you, having gone through a rigorous and fulfilling education (academic and otherwise). But as i paced, i felt nothing but silence. Not that i’ve never seen the school this empty before, but the fact that this place is no longer where i can call my own and that others have taken that place; they continue to live and grow and i have to move on.

And as i walked around, i randomly noticed that a certain motif along the corridors had escaped my detailed observation for two years!

Funfact #1: The three strips of tiles are three different colours: beige, pink and red. Wow. I had always assumed that the three strips of horizontal tiles shown in the picture were 2 beige and 1 red. I was wrong.

Okay, that was a tad too random. I’m still learning even though the duration of my official education has ended. Hah.

Now its time to close the chapter (catharsis, yay!). Memories stay on as long as my brain is able retain.

[Exeunt.]

- – - – - – -

Masked

Altered human landscape;
painted eyes and faces.
The world was transformed
before my line of sight.
People, I know,
or think I do,
bustling to and fro.

Flashes -
into the future of ours;
we know not of
what is yet to come –
reflect off strained grins.
Excitement, indeed;
genuine intent for memory-aid.

Fear* was not a presence;
signs of serious deliberation
were not prancing in the air.
Yet, conversations were –
“Hey, could you help us take a photo?” –
interrupted and thus kept short;

no one could really say
for sure what this flurry was all about.
Slowly, the crowd began to dwindle.
Tired of all the smiles;
teeth exposed, but the heart
layered by the lethargy,
til plaster hardened.

* Fear of the things to come, of the future. The uncertainty that motivates us to be anxious and compels our imagination to run wild.

- – - – - – -

It wasnt a bad time; i was okay with everything that happened. Just a thought as i saw people dispersing and regrouping: was it really all customary, a herd instinct based on formalities?

At first i thought, “hmm could this be stemming from resentment, since im not performing up to my usual standard this time round?” And this is not entirely implausible. Indeed, when one is sick and tired of something, one would tend to throw in the towel and everything else that is attached to that towel. This ib exams, imo, is probably the worst ive been through these 2 years. And not to exaggerate too much, but maybe its the worst so far in my 12 years as a student in terms of my attitude and mindset towards exams. Why, might you ask? (Since ive been preparing for this exam more than any other and probably have aimed my efforts towards this set of papers.) I would think when one puts in a lot of effort into something, one would expect almost an equivalent in return. This is true for many things, including exams; i was expecting my performance to be my usual, since my efforts had not changed much compared to other exams. What happened was totally contrary to what i had expected. And so, resentment kicks in. Good ole friend (the pure intent of just doing one’s best) i ever had was not in the picture. Expectations have stirred up so much negative emotions and rebellious sentiments about just giving up and boycotting the whole thing altogether. (I think i couldnt boycott exams if it really didnt want to be boycotted anyways. Heh. We shall see in a while…)

However, i think, like many of us, my rebellious ideologies were certainly not formed over night; in fact, they had been residents in my mind for a long while. The possible failings of a performance-based system is that one’s calibre is based on how well one performs (obviously…), usually based on what can be measured. Why is it a failing? I mean, isnt a performance-based system the one thing that can filter the capable from the incapable; a seasoned student from his counterpart that doesnt care about his studies? This is what has been ingrained into us for a long time – call it an asian mindset, call it meritocracy – this system has taken a deep place in the hearts, and minds, of many and it is only in times like this when the striving, for a lack of a better phrase, rears its ugly head. You realise that you start to lose sight of the big picture, you start to lose control of your decisions (just think of how often we say to ourselves, we have to study this and that by today), you start to forget why we study in the first place. Wait, why do we study? I think that’s a very important question we must asks ourselves, albeit at a very inopportune juncture as this. If we study so that we can go on to the next phase in life, if we try to do well so that more doors will be opened for us, if we base our decisions on that uncertainty that is stirring within ourselves, then i’d say that we’ve certainly been taught well. We have been taught well, and are now part of a bigger system: a larger world of performance-based achievements, a realm that seeks to bring out the best (and worst, i dare say) in people.

Don’t get me wrong, im not renouncing such a system. In fact, it’s the only system that ive lived within the boundaries of. This system has taught me much about doing the rights things at the right time, about giving it all for the important things and think twice about the second priorities, about enjoying myself when i excel in what im good at. But the fact that these emotions have stirred up so badly within me these past two weeks is testament that this is indeed worth thinking about. All along i have been just part of this system, almost never challenging it in a big way. Yes, i did take my time to do work sometimes, i did question what this was all about, but i still immersed myself in it; i never, in a sense, thought of boycotting it. And lo, little did i know about myself. In such a crucial juncture as now, i decided to give it up. Such a paradigm shift has left me questioning, “do people really change overnight just because something small has shifted, causing a great cascade of things to change?” Okay, that was out of point, but it’s worth thinking about as well.

To a certain extent, i have decided that i will partake of this system (mainly because i have no choice, i mean im already almost ending my exams), but i will not be actively seeking what this system has to offer. Although i did think that this striving in me was rather negligible, i was awfully wrong in every sense of my judgement. It had taken such a deep root that i didnt even know it was taking control of me. It was shaping my perception of things and the way i conducted myself in every single and minute way possible. I thought that i was just doing whatever i could and giving it all into better hands. But when it came to the crunch, when my performance took a left turn, two left turns in fact, i started questioning my true intentions and attitudes. Never did it surface in such a way before, and to be honest, it probably would never have surfaced if things didnt go this way.

I think, first and foremost, this is more serious now cos technically its the final lap. And many of us are clear about that; we try to give it our best shot cos thats all we’ve got now. However, after these 2 weeks, my perception of this has really been refocused again. Is it really the end? Many could launch into tirades about how this will determine their future in a big way, and i dont deny that. Indeed, this will open, and probably close many doors according to one’s performance. But im not gonna talk about that; its so emotionally charged and full of uncertainty that one cant really debate about it with much clarity. Im now considering whether this is the break we really need. Do we really need that many doors to be open? Do we really need to fulfil our dreams and expectations? What will we take away from this, except what is intangible, into the next phase of life? As much as i find this phrase annoying, i have to admit, “life goes on”, and indeed it is so: even though this exams determine which path we will take into the future, it is definitely not a matter of life and death.

When we look back at this point, will we regret and say, “if only i hadnt been that indifferent about my responsibilities as a student”, will we laugh at our short-sightedness that decreed that we were going to give our 110%? This can always go both ways (as this is always dependent on our perception of things, affected by our external situation) and by the looks of it, i have a higher chance of regretting why im so indifferent about things now. But then again, will i not accept the way things turn out (after all, i did not see my situation coming)? Will i not be glad that at such an important point, i had learnt what it really means to let go? Will i not find peace in the fact that i’d probably have never been a better student in my life before, being so clear about things in the midst of “problematic” situations, irrespective of results?

I am starting to sound like a certain fictional character, which i shall not name. I can write my own bildungsroman anyways. Heh. Just a gigantic banquet for thoughts. Cheers!

I am entirely needy and lacking in the face such great pressures. I admit it; at other times, i do try to pretend everything’s okay. Most of the time things are okay, cos i dont feel helpless until im on my own and my mind starts to play games with me. However, it the entirety of it, i am very much helpless at this point in time.

My friend who is already out of school told me that i was surrounded by such immense pressures that i cant see clearly. It was a hard thing to swallow, cos i thought i was actually clear-headed about giving my best for God and even taking time off to spend with God daily. But then, i have to admit that i have totally missed the point if, at this crucial juncture, i throw it all away and give it all for my studies.

Pardon me, i dont have any intention to demean those that are putting in the extra effort at this last minute. It is indeed important to seal things off nicely and get it done well. Each of us has a different perspective and this results in a different choice. I realised just yesterday that although i do have an inclination towards exams, i always had this something in me that sought for the true motivation of doing things. It is true that i am somewhat disciplined and have some capabilities to do well in exams. But in comparison, the stirring in me for the true meaning of exams seems to trump that.

At this crucial (and i say crucial, cos i still have loads i did want to complete and it was these last few moments where i would go through those things for the last time.) moment, where i should be gearing to go with confidence and aptitude, i say to myself and to those who think otherwise: i am utterly broken and gone. I do not mean to beat myself up like this, but i think have already run myself to the ground because of the sheer desire to excel. At this last moment, where i would have liked to be like many others, crystallising their efforts for the past two years, i am brought to a

- halt.

That’s what im feeling now anyway. The brakes have been applied to my motivation to study. What has been put in place is another motivation: one that just wants to take this as a learning opportunity, just like it has always been at many points in the past. Not that if i study i cannot learn from this, but in a way, my focus has shifted. When i say learning, it means that this is just another milestone, this is just another portion of life, this is not the make-or-break that i had recently made it out to be.

The last time i prepared for something seriously was my ioc. Okay granted that i was rather serious about my prelims, but that was more because i was gearing up for the finals. At that time, i was really focused in the way i would have liked to be now. I didnt feel anything wrong then, but strangely, i do now. And something’s gotta change; that something’s gotta be me.

And whilst im harping about how i am needy and lacking in motivation to study, God has provided and filled that lack in me. It is one thing to acknowledge that without God, one is nothing. But it is another to actually feel it to a certain extent, the case for me right now. He’s the only one i look to and walk with to bring me through this time.

And even as i feel that God has removed that sheer motivation to mug-it-out at this last moment, there is another thing that he would have wanted me to change: my expectations for results. It does not seem congruent that God would make me feel like this at this last moment just to make me realign my efforts to him as i strive my way to good grades. In a way, i think its a down-right, for a lack of a better word, queer. As i feel that my true potential will be realised only if i look to him at this time, it is also imperative that i realign my expectations of my results. I do expect to do well. But having decided to put the breaks on an all-out-push, i would only feel nothing but regret if my results are below expectations. This of course, i feel, is not what God wants me to be; he certainly doesnt want me to live in the shadow of my regret. Conversely, if i realign my expectations of my results and my future towards his sovereignty, i will be able to live in my full potential. That full potential is 45 points in Christ; not that i will be getting 45 points, but more importantly, i have matched up a reliance on God to the full expectation of his will, rather than my own.

Although, i know this is not really thought-provoking… i hope that this matter may help us sieve out our inner intentions. Sometimes things are going awry but we think its okay. And i would guess that many who are taking exams will not want to think of it now; i was greatly opposed to it too. For those of you who do find it important to be always clear about motivations, this might be similar to what you’re going through. I think ive probably talked too much.

Cheers.

I realised that when i was starting to get nervous, i was looking to what i thought would be the best plan. In other words, if that best plan could not be carried out, i would have to admit that i have not done my best and probably live in regret for a while. For me, what matters more is not the results, but to know that i have given my best in whatever circumstances i was in. There’s the catch; in my anticipation and anxiety, i lost sight of, imo, the key phrase: in whatever circumstances i was in. This meant that whatever happens happens, and whenever i have the chance to study, i would make the best of it. This implicates that studying was a choice. (For more explanation of choice, please refer to Economics – A Study Companion, Chapter 1… =P )

This choice was overriden by a rush of emotions and i wonder: what is more beneficial, being nervous and chionging, or exercising the thinking choice? Well…both achieve a similar effect in terms of academics; i still study, maybe even harder if i just let myself be ruled by anxiety… And therein lies the thin line between emotional turmoil and rest. For me, i think that there’s more value in knowing why youre doing what youre doing. When one makes that choice, one has reaffirmed that one is probably clear about one’s motivations. I guess it could just be a matter of having that feeling of security? Hmmm.

Sometimes i dunno if its good to think so much. If i didnt, i would probably have just burst from the anxiety. But of course, overthinking is a double-edged toothpick.

Cheers.