Havent blogged in a long while. Had many thoughts about serious issues, but not enough to write a proper dissertation on. Heh.

Been around many people and new experiences these past month. Each situation is a new lesson about myself, about people, about the world around me. Just when i thought i knew myself as a student and person, life challenges that thought and God starts peeling layers off me.

What is most significant is the layer of judgement. We always hear about people being judgemental; we also subconsciously judge people based on their appearances, their words, their actions, their inactions, their intentions as perceived through our highly disjointed perspectives. But im not here to talk about how we should not judge people. It’s like saying, “don’t breathe”; we can try, but we cant monitor our thoughts and filter our perception of people without getting into severe frustration. (Not on our own anyways.) I’m here to project some of my thoughts which i hope would add more flavour to the word “judgement”, which is all too weighted and laden with seriousness and negative stuff (here i am judging the word, if i were to use “judging” loosely. Hah.)

As humans, we see things from our own self-centred perspective. Well, mostly. And even when we try to put ourselves in others’ shoes, we comprehend and evaluate according to our own experiences, emotional responses and logical deductions. What’s worse, we sometimes even try to imagine how others view us. That’s how we complicate matters eh? Even as i write this now, what i type is also partially affected by how i think you would read this, how you would respond to my words, how you would perceive me. Do i really care? In a sense, yes. I hate being misunderstood, but it is inevitable; i cannot control what each and every one of you thinks of me, nor is it any good for me to put in too much effort of portraying a side of me that appeals to the masses.

That is basically what judgement is about (and i mean “basically” like “foundationally” and “essentially”, rather than “simplistically saying”). It isnt always about labelling people as arrogant or impatient. Nor is it always about someone in power pronouncing a fate of another “lower” being. It’s about taking a situation or a person and squeezing it into our narrow perception of life, of things, of people, of everything. Sometimes, we think we know what we are thinking; we can get so caught up in our own justification that we forget our basis of justification is just as flawed as anyone else’s. That’s the problem most of the time; because we do this, it can result in us coming to the conclusion that so-and-so is arrogant or impatient; because we go by our own value systems, if i may put it this way, we can occasionally feel the need to pronounce our thoughts about people and situations (which are actually merely our own thoughts), as final or 100% certain.

And i think im putting my thoughts across very poorly; it may seem like im being exceedingly critical about how we judge people and things. But that’s not my main point. My main point is: thinking about what others think of us. I tend to do this alot. Hence, i tend to overcomplicate matters and situations with other people. And recently when i figured about the new perspective of how we squeeze a situation into our narrow perception of things, it made sense that i was doing the same when i thought about what others think of me and how they would view a particular situation. It seemed incongruent and much more absurd that im using my perspectives to judge myself based on what i perceive others would of me. It is highly futile and again i say, absurd, that i always do it.

So why do i, and im sure many other people, keep thinking about my so-called image and portrayal? Cos we fear that we are unaccepted, out of place, inappropriate. To say the least, we dont feel wanted and fear being lonely/outcasted. I may have simplified the thought process too quickly, but many times i realised it is the case (for me that is…). What will happen if i say what i really feel? What wil happen if i do as i please? What will happen if i dont do this? Will he see me differently? Will she think im that sort of person? All these i gather now, are quite pointless. To a certain extent, we can affect the situation and others’ perception of us. Quite a large one i would say. But in the end, trying too hard is counter-productive. In the end, we dont really have the control whether we will be accepted or loved or respected or hated. I guess that is probably what the Bible says about not judging ourselves. We judge ourselves by what we think others will think about us and perceive us to be. There’s basis in that statement, as much as it perplexed me at first. (there’s also another perspective about how we should not judge ourselves to be good or bad, etc.)

All that’s been said can be summed up in a question that i have distilled from a few people: Is the image you worry about when you think about others’ perception of you the image of the real you, or merely what you hope others will see you as?

This question has implications about our identity and our expectations of ourselves and others.

Hmmm.

to school to collect some stuff and decided to take a stroll around just to reminisce.

It struck me (only now) that as i walked along the corridors and the bridge that i am no longer officially part of the school. And as i strolled around, i started to see things, for the first time, as an outsider, an ex-student. Well, you can say that the ACSian spirit is a part of you, having gone through a rigorous and fulfilling education (academic and otherwise). But as i paced, i felt nothing but silence. Not that i’ve never seen the school this empty before, but the fact that this place is no longer where i can call my own and that others have taken that place; they continue to live and grow and i have to move on.

And as i walked around, i randomly noticed that a certain motif along the corridors had escaped my detailed observation for two years!

Funfact #1: The three strips of tiles are three different colours: beige, pink and red. Wow. I had always assumed that the three strips of horizontal tiles shown in the picture were 2 beige and 1 red. I was wrong.

Okay, that was a tad too random. I’m still learning even though the duration of my official education has ended. Hah.

Now its time to close the chapter (catharsis, yay!). Memories stay on as long as my brain is able retain.

[Exeunt.]

I try to keep to my 10-minute-poem rule. =)

- – - – - – -

Masked

Altered human landscape;
painted eyes and faces.
The world was transformed
before my line of sight.
People, I know,
or think I do,
bustling to and fro.

Flashes -
into the future of ours;
we know not of
what is yet to come –
reflect off strained grins.
Excitement, indeed;
genuine intent for memory-aid.

Fear* was not a presence;
signs of serious deliberation
were not prancing in the air.
Yet, conversations were –
“Hey, could you help us take a photo?” –
interrupted and thus kept short;

no one could really say
for sure what this flurry was all about.
Slowly, the crowd began to dwindle.
Tired of all the smiles;
teeth exposed, but the heart
layered by the lethargy,
til plaster hardened.

* Fear of the things to come, of the future. The uncertainty that motivates us to be anxious and compels our imagination to run wild.

- – - – - – -

It wasnt a bad time; i was okay with everything that happened. Just a thought as i saw people dispersing and regrouping: was it really all customary, a herd instinct based on formalities?

Been thinking about this for a while: why rebellious ideologies have been stirring up hot within me these past 2 weeks.

At first i thought, “hmm could this be stemming from resentment, since im not performing up to my usual standard this time round?” And this is not entirely implausible. Indeed, when one is sick and tired of something, one would tend to throw in the towel and everything else that is attached to that towel. This ib exams, imo, is probably the worst ive been through these 2 years. And not to exaggerate too much, but maybe its the worst so far in my 12 years as a student in terms of my attitude and mindset towards exams. Why, might you ask? (Since ive been preparing for this exam more than any other and probably have aimed my efforts towards this set of papers.) I would think when one puts in a lot of effort into something, one would expect almost an equivalent in return. This is true for many things, including exams; i was expecting my performance to be my usual, since my efforts had not changed much compared to other exams. What happened was totally contrary to what i had expected. And so, resentment kicks in. Good ole friend (the pure intent of just doing one’s best) i ever had was not in the picture. Expectations have stirred up so much negative emotions and rebellious sentiments about just giving up and boycotting the whole thing altogether. (I think i couldnt boycott exams if it really didnt want to be boycotted anyways. Heh. We shall see in a while…)

However, i think, like many of us, my rebellious ideologies were certainly not formed over night; in fact, they had been residents in my mind for a long while. The possible failings of a performance-based system is that one’s calibre is based on how well one performs (obviously…), usually based on what can be measured. Why is it a failing? I mean, isnt a performance-based system the one thing that can filter the capable from the incapable; a seasoned student from his counterpart that doesnt care about his studies? This is what has been ingrained into us for a long time – call it an asian mindset, call it meritocracy – this system has taken a deep place in the hearts, and minds, of many and it is only in times like this when the striving, for a lack of a better phrase, rears its ugly head. You realise that you start to lose sight of the big picture, you start to lose control of your decisions (just think of how often we say to ourselves, we have to study this and that by today), you start to forget why we study in the first place. Wait, why do we study? I think that’s a very important question we must asks ourselves, albeit at a very inopportune juncture as this. If we study so that we can go on to the next phase in life, if we try to do well so that more doors will be opened for us, if we base our decisions on that uncertainty that is stirring within ourselves, then i’d say that we’ve certainly been taught well. We have been taught well, and are now part of a bigger system: a larger world of performance-based achievements, a realm that seeks to bring out the best (and worst, i dare say) in people.

Don’t get me wrong, im not renouncing such a system. In fact, it’s the only system that ive lived within the boundaries of. This system has taught me much about doing the rights things at the right time, about giving it all for the important things and think twice about the second priorities, about enjoying myself when i excel in what im good at. But the fact that these emotions have stirred up so badly within me these past two weeks is testament that this is indeed worth thinking about. All along i have been just part of this system, almost never challenging it in a big way. Yes, i did take my time to do work sometimes, i did question what this was all about, but i still immersed myself in it; i never, in a sense, thought of boycotting it. And lo, little did i know about myself. In such a crucial juncture as now, i decided to give it up. Such a paradigm shift has left me questioning, “do people really change overnight just because something small has shifted, causing a great cascade of things to change?” Okay, that was out of point, but it’s worth thinking about as well.

To a certain extent, i have decided that i will partake of this system (mainly because i have no choice, i mean im already almost ending my exams), but i will not be actively seeking what this system has to offer. Although i did think that this striving in me was rather negligible, i was awfully wrong in every sense of my judgement. It had taken such a deep root that i didnt even know it was taking control of me. It was shaping my perception of things and the way i conducted myself in every single and minute way possible. I thought that i was just doing whatever i could and giving it all into better hands. But when it came to the crunch, when my performance took a left turn, two left turns in fact, i started questioning my true intentions and attitudes. Never did it surface in such a way before, and to be honest, it probably would never have surfaced if things didnt go this way.

I think, first and foremost, this is more serious now cos technically its the final lap. And many of us are clear about that; we try to give it our best shot cos thats all we’ve got now. However, after these 2 weeks, my perception of this has really been refocused again. Is it really the end? Many could launch into tirades about how this will determine their future in a big way, and i dont deny that. Indeed, this will open, and probably close many doors according to one’s performance. But im not gonna talk about that; its so emotionally charged and full of uncertainty that one cant really debate about it with much clarity. Im now considering whether this is the break we really need. Do we really need that many doors to be open? Do we really need to fulfil our dreams and expectations? What will we take away from this, except what is intangible, into the next phase of life? As much as i find this phrase annoying, i have to admit, “life goes on”, and indeed it is so: even though this exams determine which path we will take into the future, it is definitely not a matter of life and death.

When we look back at this point, will we regret and say, “if only i hadnt been that indifferent about my responsibilities as a student”, will we laugh at our short-sightedness that decreed that we were going to give our 110%? This can always go both ways (as this is always dependent on our perception of things, affected by our external situation) and by the looks of it, i have a higher chance of regretting why im so indifferent about things now. But then again, will i not accept the way things turn out (after all, i did not see my situation coming)? Will i not be glad that at such an important point, i had learnt what it really means to let go? Will i not find peace in the fact that i’d probably have never been a better student in my life before, being so clear about things in the midst of “problematic” situations, irrespective of results?

I am starting to sound like a certain fictional character, which i shall not name. I can write my own bildungsroman anyways. Heh. Just a gigantic banquet for thoughts. Cheers!

Many ppl think im handling things fine and with my calibre and hard work, its not hard to get a reasonably good score. They are all wrong.

I am entirely needy and lacking in the face such great pressures. I admit it; at other times, i do try to pretend everything’s okay. Most of the time things are okay, cos i dont feel helpless until im on my own and my mind starts to play games with me. However, it the entirety of it, i am very much helpless at this point in time.

My friend who is already out of school told me that i was surrounded by such immense pressures that i cant see clearly. It was a hard thing to swallow, cos i thought i was actually clear-headed about giving my best for God and even taking time off to spend with God daily. But then, i have to admit that i have totally missed the point if, at this crucial juncture, i throw it all away and give it all for my studies.

Pardon me, i dont have any intention to demean those that are putting in the extra effort at this last minute. It is indeed important to seal things off nicely and get it done well. Each of us has a different perspective and this results in a different choice. I realised just yesterday that although i do have an inclination towards exams, i always had this something in me that sought for the true motivation of doing things. It is true that i am somewhat disciplined and have some capabilities to do well in exams. But in comparison, the stirring in me for the true meaning of exams seems to trump that.

At this crucial (and i say crucial, cos i still have loads i did want to complete and it was these last few moments where i would go through those things for the last time.) moment, where i should be gearing to go with confidence and aptitude, i say to myself and to those who think otherwise: i am utterly broken and gone. I do not mean to beat myself up like this, but i think have already run myself to the ground because of the sheer desire to excel. At this last moment, where i would have liked to be like many others, crystallising their efforts for the past two years, i am brought to a

- halt.

That’s what im feeling now anyway. The brakes have been applied to my motivation to study. What has been put in place is another motivation: one that just wants to take this as a learning opportunity, just like it has always been at many points in the past. Not that if i study i cannot learn from this, but in a way, my focus has shifted. When i say learning, it means that this is just another milestone, this is just another portion of life, this is not the make-or-break that i had recently made it out to be.

The last time i prepared for something seriously was my ioc. Okay granted that i was rather serious about my prelims, but that was more because i was gearing up for the finals. At that time, i was really focused in the way i would have liked to be now. I didnt feel anything wrong then, but strangely, i do now. And something’s gotta change; that something’s gotta be me.

And whilst im harping about how i am needy and lacking in motivation to study, God has provided and filled that lack in me. It is one thing to acknowledge that without God, one is nothing. But it is another to actually feel it to a certain extent, the case for me right now. He’s the only one i look to and walk with to bring me through this time.

And even as i feel that God has removed that sheer motivation to mug-it-out at this last moment, there is another thing that he would have wanted me to change: my expectations for results. It does not seem congruent that God would make me feel like this at this last moment just to make me realign my efforts to him as i strive my way to good grades. In a way, i think its a down-right, for a lack of a better word, queer. As i feel that my true potential will be realised only if i look to him at this time, it is also imperative that i realign my expectations of my results. I do expect to do well. But having decided to put the breaks on an all-out-push, i would only feel nothing but regret if my results are below expectations. This of course, i feel, is not what God wants me to be; he certainly doesnt want me to live in the shadow of my regret. Conversely, if i realign my expectations of my results and my future towards his sovereignty, i will be able to live in my full potential. That full potential is 45 points in Christ; not that i will be getting 45 points, but more importantly, i have matched up a reliance on God to the full expectation of his will, rather than my own.

Although, i know this is not really thought-provoking… i hope that this matter may help us sieve out our inner intentions. Sometimes things are going awry but we think its okay. And i would guess that many who are taking exams will not want to think of it now; i was greatly opposed to it too. For those of you who do find it important to be always clear about motivations, this might be similar to what you’re going through. I think ive probably talked too much.

Cheers.

I think its only normal to start getting nervous just 2 weeks before the exams? As an overthinker, exponential emotions soon rolled through, into the doors of my mind. In a few hours, reality hit and due to too much math (probability=0.8), it all seemed like it was going to be disastrous.

I realised that when i was starting to get nervous, i was looking to what i thought would be the best plan. In other words, if that best plan could not be carried out, i would have to admit that i have not done my best and probably live in regret for a while. For me, what matters more is not the results, but to know that i have given my best in whatever circumstances i was in. There’s the catch; in my anticipation and anxiety, i lost sight of, imo, the key phrase: in whatever circumstances i was in. This meant that whatever happens happens, and whenever i have the chance to study, i would make the best of it. This implicates that studying was a choice. (For more explanation of choice, please refer to Economics – A Study Companion, Chapter 1… =P )

This choice was overriden by a rush of emotions and i wonder: what is more beneficial, being nervous and chionging, or exercising the thinking choice? Well…both achieve a similar effect in terms of academics; i still study, maybe even harder if i just let myself be ruled by anxiety… And therein lies the thin line between emotional turmoil and rest. For me, i think that there’s more value in knowing why youre doing what youre doing. When one makes that choice, one has reaffirmed that one is probably clear about one’s motivations. I guess it could just be a matter of having that feeling of security? Hmmm.

Sometimes i dunno if its good to think so much. If i didnt, i would probably have just burst from the anxiety. But of course, overthinking is a double-edged toothpick.

Cheers.

One Life To Love

Verse 1:
He never thought he cared so much about the minute hand
Until he started praying for, a second chance
If he could only do it all again
He’d trade the long nights that he spent behind his desk
For all he missed

He tells his wife “I wish that this moment in this room
was not me dying, but just spending a little time with you.”

Chorus:
You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don’t wanna miss
One day when it’s all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life… To love….

Verse 2:
She never thought she cared so much about those little hands
That held on tight the day she left
Til she was scared to death
Sitting all alone on a hotel bed, the end of the road
The sun had set on her big plans
To feel young again

She picks up the phone, dials the number, hears that little voice
That’s haunted every single mile, since she made that choice

One ride, one try, one life…to love.

- – - – - – -

Cheers!

Couldnt leave school today without spending a while thinking back. Though i’ll be going to school to study 2mr, i felt that i needed some time for a short closure.

Reliving my days by location around the school as i viewed the school from a high spot in the boarding school, i realised that each venue had a significant picture/scene attached to it. The two photos attached are just pictures that i took of the empty place. =(

Strangely, as much as i hate farewells (cant bring myself to face the emotions), and even as i was brought to face it today, reality still didnt hit me while i browsed through the photo/video gallery of my mind’s eye.

All in good time i guess… cant imagine the day i say im no longer part of the school (with all its implications of the ties forged and activities participated within). =(

2mr is the 22nd day before the commencement of the final papers. And that was the first time i counted to make sure; the other times i just shrugged it off and just noting that there was little time left and not know exactly how little was that little.

Im sure many students just weeks before the final one would be feeling something like this:

1. Time is running out! There is so much to be done or, at least, so much i feel that i have to do to feel secure. And sometimes, this target that marks our “security” region is set waaayyy beyond our ability or the ability of any normal human being. I guess it is normal that many would fear that what they are doing is not enough, and fearing the possible consequences of having fallen short of that “enough”. The usual response would be panic and work oneself overtime. But let’s face it… when would it ever be enough? People talk about giving their 110%. I beg to differ to a certain extent. That 10% is not measured in terms of effort, but in terms of mindset. If you have already given your best, worrying about that 10% is tantamount to scaling Everest upside down; it’s a man-made attempt to make oneself sleep better at night (if you ever sleep at all trying to achieve that anyways.) Im not going into a debate about what constitutes giving one’s best, that’s up to the individual to decide. But i would like to leave one thought: would your results be significantly (and i really mean significantly) different if you’d spend that few hours that you thought wasnt your best burying yourself in those books?

2. When the panic sets in, one will tend to start counting even down to half and hour of one’s time to ensure that one is using one’s time wisely. And this is a self-perpetuating cycle whereby if one is panicking cos one thinks one cant finish whatever one has planned, one will tend to panic even more and throw oneself to the monsters of time management and self-castigation. Well, probably just me.

3. Something that has crossed my mind recently. How am i preparing differently from the past exams? It seems like im going through the same stuff the same way. Shouldnt i be doing it some other way that shows i already know my stuff? And i caught myself at it… Honestly, when addressing that train of thought of mine, i realised that again it boiled down to fearing that what i was doing was not enough. It then propelled itself to the fear that since im revising the same things and probably not improving, my grades will be the same. And of course, that fear is entirely misplaced, as what more could i have done? And especially in these remaining weeks, when time is of the essence, i did wonder if i should spend more time on certain subjects or risk not doing other subjects as thoroughly as i have already done most of it them.

All the anxiety in the air sometimes clouds our better judgement. I think even if you feel time doesnt permit, take a few minutes to think about where you stand now. Always keep in mind that as you practise or study, know what youre doing and dont panic. It will be alright.

Did i say that clearly enough?

It will be alright.

Cheers.

“But be warned, you who thirst for knowledge, be warned about the thicket of opinions and the fight over words. Whether beautiful or ugly, wise or foolish, opinions are unimportant, anyone can follow them or reject them.”

There are always two sides to one argument. And most of the time, when it requires value judgements, both are equally acceptable when placed in different circumstances. Indeed, opinions are unimportant. Words are only words… especially when our perceptions and understandings of words tend to diverge. Only truth can really show the way.